Are You Meeting Your Wife's Emotional Needs?

I recently read the following article from TwoOfUs.org.  It is directed to husbands and explains 5 Emotional Needs that many women have.

They include:

Affection

Conversation

Honesty and Openness

Financial Support

Family Commitment

After reading the article below, take some time to evaluate how you are fulfilling your wife's emotional needs.  Give yourself credit at what you are doing well and make a note of where you might do better.  Challenge yourself to be mindful of what you can do to better meet one or more of her needs and really try to make an effort over the next few weeks.

An important quote and reminder from this article was "You are not responsible for meeting all of your partner’s needs: 'If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by anyone other than yourself,' says Dennis Sugrue, PhD, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School."

Understanding the Emotional Needs of Your Female Partner : TwoOfUs.org

Change Happens Within

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey – delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Some of our attributes are attractive and appealing, while others are annoying and unattractive. Maybe there are times in our marriage where we wake up and wonder how we married our spouse. Our minds might get trapped into remembering and seeing all of our spouse's weaknesses that we cannot remember the things we loved about them when we were first married or dating. You might even be tempted to try and change them into the mold that you have created in your mind of who they should be, or maybe the mold they created for themselves as you were dating. Maybe over the years your spouse has changed or let some things go that you thought were important. No matter what the case may be, one thing is for sure--You Can't Change Your Spouse.  

Just like the quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley says, "Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration." Think about yourself. We all know that during the day we have highs and lows. Not one of us is perfect. What if someone was frustrated with you every time you did something they didn't like? One of my other favorite quotes is by Sam Keen. He says, " "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly."  

Here are some things you can do:

1. Focus on changing yourself. If you spend more time focusing on how to improve yourself, you won't have time focusing on your spouse's weaknesses. Hey, you might inspire your spouse to do the same!
2. Praise your spouse for the positives!  Gottman, a well-known marriage therapist. has come up with the magic ratio 5:1. There needs to be five positives to every one negative.  
3. Make a list of reasons you married your spouse. This will help you remember the positives when you're having a hard time remembering.
4. Serve your spouse!  You love your spouse more by doing service for them. You never know when you're going to hit a rough patch and need your spouse to do the same.
5. Don't assume things. Make sure you have all the facts. Ask questions and listen.  You can also evaluate your expectations... are they too high?
6. Set Healthy Boundaries. Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend is a great resource for married couples. It teaches couples how to have healthy limits and to use boundaries without controlling your spouse.
7. Last but not least, don't give up. Time is on your side. Commitment and loyalty are two keys in a successful marriage. 

Health and Fitness

(Picture courtesy of http://revupforfitness.com/)

Husbands, even though you may not realize it, taking care of yourself shows your wife that you love her. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. She wants you to be there for her and your children, so be sure to take care of yourself.

You'll be surprised how much money you save just by exercising, eating right, and going to your yearly check-ups!

1. Get enough sleep. Six to eight hours of sleep is recommended to having a healthy lifestyle. 
2. Go to your yearly doctor, dentist, and eye appointments. Also, if something happens and you aren't feeling well or you know you've torn a muscle, go to the doctor and get checked out. 
3. Exercise regularly.  Do something you love to do! Going to the gym is great if that is what you love to do, but it isn't the only way to workout. So if you aren't one that is big on going to the gym try hiking, biking, running, swimming, karate, baseball, bowling, tennis, rock climbing, volleyball, hockey. Whatever it may be just spend time being active. 
4. Eat healthy. Cutting back on meat and sugar, eating more fruits and vegetables, and  drinking more water are just a few ways to get started.  Make sure you start your day off right by eating a good breakfast. By eating three balanced meals with healthy snacks in between boosts your metabolism and gives you more energy.
5. Manage your stress.  Find healthy ways to reduce stress. It could be working on projects, having hobbies, meditating, or taking on one task at a time. Just remember to take the time to have fun!
6. Avoid stimulants. Caffeine, alcohol, and smoking can all cause you're body to hold on to stress and cause other major health problems. 
7. Practice good hygiene habits. This one may seem obvious, but it really helps improve your health. Shower daily using proper soap and shampoo, brush and floss your teeth, wash your face daily, use deodorant, use cologne and after shave, and wash your clothes regularly. When you feel confident and good about yourself, you are more positive and be able to handle the stresses of life better.

Article from Good Morning America

In 2006, ABC's Good Morning America invited Scott Haltzman on their show. Haltzman is the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."  I thought this was a great article from a husband's perspective and wanted to share it with you!  

Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever

 Make Marriage Your Job: Treat your marriage like it's your top priority. Use the problem-solving skills you learn at work on your marriage. If there's a problem in the marriage, react the way you would if you had a problem at work: Break it up into small doable tasks, hatch a strategy and stick to it.

 Know Your Wife: Most men assume they know their spouse, but don't know who she really is. Observe her when she's with her friends or cheering on the sidelines at a soccer game. Take notes: What does she like? Dislike? And use that information to convey to her that you truly know her.

 Be Home Now: Most men are not hardwired to spent a lot of time at home -- harkening back to the hunter-gatherer days. They also struggle to let go of their bachelor ways. When they get married, they don't know the rules -- one of which is: Your wife expects you to come home. Also many men are away from home because they're working very hard to support the family -- something they consider a labor of love, but their wife considers a problem.

 Expect Conflict, Deal With It: Fights are inevitable. Even happy couples fight. Trouble is, a man's natural inclination is to dig in and fight till the death. But a guy can lessen the blow if he learns to fight better. Don't get defensive. Soften your tone. Don't point fingers.

 Learn to Listen: Simple, but powerful. All those women out there who complain their men don't listen may be right: Listening does not come naturally to men. The good news is: It's a skill that can be learned. Men can make small changes and in turn make their wives feel like they're being heard. First, turn off the TV. Second, make eye contact with her. And third, don't pace; stand still.

 Aim to Please: All those networking skills men learn at work -- use them at home. Treat your wife at least as well as you would your boss, your co-worker or your most important client. Rule of thumb: All those things you did for her while you were courting, you should still be doing them now that you're married.

 Understand the Truth About Sex: The simple, unavoidable fact is that men and women are different, and what they need in the bedroom is different, too. The old stereotypes -- that women need more intimacy, a slow build -- may or may not be true. But what *is* true is men and women need to acknowledge that they're different and be sensitive to where the other is coming from.

 Introduce Yourself: This should be the last step -- once you're in your wife's good graces, reintroduce yourself to her. Let her know who you are, what you care about and what you want.

For the full article:

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How to affair proof your marriage

There is an organization called Family First that has three programs: All Pro Dad, iMom, and Family Minute.  A while ago, I signed up to get a daily email from iMom, and while a lot of it is about parenting, they always have a little thought or something about marriage.  The email I got today had an article about affair proofing your marriage.  It is written for the wife, but since this relates to both the husband and the wife, I thought I would share it with you.  Also I encourage you to check out Family First at familyfirst.net and if you are a dad, check out All Pro Dad.  Great website and programs that I highly recommend!!!

The following 10 Ways to "Affair Proof" Your Marriage are based on ideas from authors Brett and Kate McKay.

1. Avoid temptation. 

Many affairs begin when people start talking about their personal pressures and problems with another person besides their spouse. They feel like the other person empathizes and understands them better.  This can then lead to a feeling of closeness, which, if left unchecked, can lead to an intimate emotional or physical relationship.  This is most common in these 3 affair danger zones.

2. Date your spouse. 

Establish a "date night" and treat this time as sacred by putting it "in ink" on your calendar.  Try to have at least one date night a month, but aim for two.  Make your date something fun and interactive.  Studies show that keeping your dates fresh, actually brings back the "butterflies" of your dating days. 

3. Stop the pornography.

Pornography destroys people and relationships.  Just like the hard drive on your computer, every time a person sees pornography, those images are stored permanently in their mind.  Pornography can also create unrealistic expectations for your sexual relationship with your spouse.  Since pornography can become so addictive and destructive, the best course of action is to avoid it completely. 

4. Be thoughtful. 

Do nice things for your spouse even when you don't feel like it.  Treat her as you would a valued friend and train yourself to focus your thoughts on what she does right. Keep your thoughts away from the "grass is always greener game" where you look at other spouses and other women and imagine that they are so much better than your own spouse.

5. Initiate affection. 

Studies show that couples who are affectionate with each other stay together. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your spouse.  Give them a hug or surprise kiss and say how much you love them. Hold their hand when you're out together. These small gestures will help strengthen the physical connection that every relationship needs.

6. Have sex regularly. 

Couples sometimes stray because their spouse is not meeting their sexual needs.  It's easy to understand how that can happen.  Exhaustion, busyness, emotional distance and many other things cause a couple's sex life to wither. While those might be valid reasons, they must be dealt with.  Start by talking to your husband about your sex life and move on from there.  

7. Talk some and listen always. 

Find some time each day to have meaningful conversations with your spouse. If you have children, find a few moments after you put them in bed. Talk about what you did during the day. Discuss what you've been thinking about lately. Share your dreams. And be sure to be a good listener by dropping what you are doing, making eye contact, and showing that you are genuinely interested in what she's saying.  The idea is to deepen the bond between you and your spouse. It's harder to withdraw from your spouse when you've made such an emotional investment.

8. Meet Each Others Needs. 

What is the number one need for most men?  Respect.  Without it, even your best efforts to be a good wife in other areas might fall short.  What about your needs?  Before you become bitter at your husband for not meeting them, be sure you'veclearly let your husband know what your needs are.

9. Don't Push Him or Her Away.

Most wives really do want a good marriage, but it's easy to be guilty of these 10 Ways to Push Your Husband Away.  Be aware of the signals you're sending your husband.   

10. Evaluate your vulnerabilities. 

Sit down with your spouse and evaluate your vulnerabilities. Some people have jobs where they travel a lot. Being away from home in tempting environments can create challenges.  See #1 above.  Some have personality traits that open themselves up for infidelity. These traits don't have to be bad either. For example, you might naturally be an empathetic listener or an affectionate person. There's nothing wrong with that, but some people may take this attention the wrong way.

Date Night #5

This Date Night Idea is an Epic Date Night which means it is more suited for an anniversary, birthday, or special occasion.
I know as men, the ABC reality shows Bachelor and Bachelorette are probably not high on your list, however this date night idea is a take off of that show (minus the other 24 women, hey you're not a bachelor anyways!)  :-)
You can do this in one afternoon/evening or over a weekend.  Get at least six long-stemmed red roses and take your wife out on an extended date of mini-dates.  Start by going on a walk or use the drive to the first location as "the first date".  Use this time to talk to your spouse.  If you remember your first date, chances are there wasn't very much awkward silence since there was eventually a second date.  Once you are done with your walk (or the drive if that works best for your situation) give your wife one rose.  You don't even have to say "will you accept this rose".  Then you are on Date #2.  Have a picnic for lunch.  It can be something fairly simple and light.  After your meal, give her the 2nd rose.  Next, leave and go do a fun activity for Date #3.  It can be something active like rock climbing (indoor works well too) or bowling.  Have fun with it and try something new or plan something you know she'll enjoy.  At the end, give her another rose.  For Date #4, go someplace quiet and hopefully somewhat romantic.  Use the time to talk about your future: goals, dreams, etc.  Give your wife the 4th rose.  After that go out for dinner at a restaurant or make her a nice candlelit dinner at home.  Give her the 5th rose.  Present her with a card.  You can have the card read something like: Will you go to the Fantasy Suite with me?  It's also fun if you are staying at a hotel that night to put the room key in the card.  Go to the hotel or your bedroom where the 6th rose is laying on her pillow with a love letter that you wrote for her.
This will take some effort on your part as you will have to have some things done before hand.  If your activities require wardrobe changes, plan time for that.  You may be wearing athletic gear or casual for the first 3 dates and then want to dress up for the last 3 dates.  Make the hotel room or your bedroom resemble a Fantasy Suite as much as you can.

"Things You Don't Say To Your Wife" by Tim Hawkins

Enjoy!