Are You Meeting Your Wife's Emotional Needs?

I recently read the following article from TwoOfUs.org.  It is directed to husbands and explains 5 Emotional Needs that many women have.

They include:

Affection

Conversation

Honesty and Openness

Financial Support

Family Commitment

After reading the article below, take some time to evaluate how you are fulfilling your wife's emotional needs.  Give yourself credit at what you are doing well and make a note of where you might do better.  Challenge yourself to be mindful of what you can do to better meet one or more of her needs and really try to make an effort over the next few weeks.

An important quote and reminder from this article was "You are not responsible for meeting all of your partner’s needs: 'If you are looking to a partner to make you feel worthwhile, to make you feel happy, to rescue you from a bored or unhappy life, if you are seeking someone to make you feel complete or whole -- then you have some work to do, because these are needs that are never going to be met by anyone other than yourself,' says Dennis Sugrue, PhD, Clinical Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School."

Understanding the Emotional Needs of Your Female Partner : TwoOfUs.org

Change Happens Within

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey – delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Some of our attributes are attractive and appealing, while others are annoying and unattractive. Maybe there are times in our marriage where we wake up and wonder how we married our spouse. Our minds might get trapped into remembering and seeing all of our spouse's weaknesses that we cannot remember the things we loved about them when we were first married or dating. You might even be tempted to try and change them into the mold that you have created in your mind of who they should be, or maybe the mold they created for themselves as you were dating. Maybe over the years your spouse has changed or let some things go that you thought were important. No matter what the case may be, one thing is for sure--You Can't Change Your Spouse.  

Just like the quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley says, "Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration." Think about yourself. We all know that during the day we have highs and lows. Not one of us is perfect. What if someone was frustrated with you every time you did something they didn't like? One of my other favorite quotes is by Sam Keen. He says, " "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly."  

Here are some things you can do:

1. Focus on changing yourself. If you spend more time focusing on how to improve yourself, you won't have time focusing on your spouse's weaknesses. Hey, you might inspire your spouse to do the same!
2. Praise your spouse for the positives!  Gottman, a well-known marriage therapist. has come up with the magic ratio 5:1. There needs to be five positives to every one negative.  
3. Make a list of reasons you married your spouse. This will help you remember the positives when you're having a hard time remembering.
4. Serve your spouse!  You love your spouse more by doing service for them. You never know when you're going to hit a rough patch and need your spouse to do the same.
5. Don't assume things. Make sure you have all the facts. Ask questions and listen.  You can also evaluate your expectations... are they too high?
6. Set Healthy Boundaries. Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend is a great resource for married couples. It teaches couples how to have healthy limits and to use boundaries without controlling your spouse.
7. Last but not least, don't give up. Time is on your side. Commitment and loyalty are two keys in a successful marriage. 

Health and Fitness

(Picture courtesy of http://revupforfitness.com/)

Husbands, even though you may not realize it, taking care of yourself shows your wife that you love her. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. She wants you to be there for her and your children, so be sure to take care of yourself.

You'll be surprised how much money you save just by exercising, eating right, and going to your yearly check-ups!

1. Get enough sleep. Six to eight hours of sleep is recommended to having a healthy lifestyle. 
2. Go to your yearly doctor, dentist, and eye appointments. Also, if something happens and you aren't feeling well or you know you've torn a muscle, go to the doctor and get checked out. 
3. Exercise regularly.  Do something you love to do! Going to the gym is great if that is what you love to do, but it isn't the only way to workout. So if you aren't one that is big on going to the gym try hiking, biking, running, swimming, karate, baseball, bowling, tennis, rock climbing, volleyball, hockey. Whatever it may be just spend time being active. 
4. Eat healthy. Cutting back on meat and sugar, eating more fruits and vegetables, and  drinking more water are just a few ways to get started.  Make sure you start your day off right by eating a good breakfast. By eating three balanced meals with healthy snacks in between boosts your metabolism and gives you more energy.
5. Manage your stress.  Find healthy ways to reduce stress. It could be working on projects, having hobbies, meditating, or taking on one task at a time. Just remember to take the time to have fun!
6. Avoid stimulants. Caffeine, alcohol, and smoking can all cause you're body to hold on to stress and cause other major health problems. 
7. Practice good hygiene habits. This one may seem obvious, but it really helps improve your health. Shower daily using proper soap and shampoo, brush and floss your teeth, wash your face daily, use deodorant, use cologne and after shave, and wash your clothes regularly. When you feel confident and good about yourself, you are more positive and be able to handle the stresses of life better.

Article from Good Morning America

In 2006, ABC's Good Morning America invited Scott Haltzman on their show. Haltzman is the author of "The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever."  I thought this was a great article from a husband's perspective and wanted to share it with you!  

Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever

 Make Marriage Your Job: Treat your marriage like it's your top priority. Use the problem-solving skills you learn at work on your marriage. If there's a problem in the marriage, react the way you would if you had a problem at work: Break it up into small doable tasks, hatch a strategy and stick to it.

 Know Your Wife: Most men assume they know their spouse, but don't know who she really is. Observe her when she's with her friends or cheering on the sidelines at a soccer game. Take notes: What does she like? Dislike? And use that information to convey to her that you truly know her.

 Be Home Now: Most men are not hardwired to spent a lot of time at home -- harkening back to the hunter-gatherer days. They also struggle to let go of their bachelor ways. When they get married, they don't know the rules -- one of which is: Your wife expects you to come home. Also many men are away from home because they're working very hard to support the family -- something they consider a labor of love, but their wife considers a problem.

 Expect Conflict, Deal With It: Fights are inevitable. Even happy couples fight. Trouble is, a man's natural inclination is to dig in and fight till the death. But a guy can lessen the blow if he learns to fight better. Don't get defensive. Soften your tone. Don't point fingers.

 Learn to Listen: Simple, but powerful. All those women out there who complain their men don't listen may be right: Listening does not come naturally to men. The good news is: It's a skill that can be learned. Men can make small changes and in turn make their wives feel like they're being heard. First, turn off the TV. Second, make eye contact with her. And third, don't pace; stand still.

 Aim to Please: All those networking skills men learn at work -- use them at home. Treat your wife at least as well as you would your boss, your co-worker or your most important client. Rule of thumb: All those things you did for her while you were courting, you should still be doing them now that you're married.

 Understand the Truth About Sex: The simple, unavoidable fact is that men and women are different, and what they need in the bedroom is different, too. The old stereotypes -- that women need more intimacy, a slow build -- may or may not be true. But what *is* true is men and women need to acknowledge that they're different and be sensitive to where the other is coming from.

 Introduce Yourself: This should be the last step -- once you're in your wife's good graces, reintroduce yourself to her. Let her know who you are, what you care about and what you want.

For the full article:

Click Here

How to affair proof your marriage

There is an organization called Family First that has three programs: All Pro Dad, iMom, and Family Minute.  A while ago, I signed up to get a daily email from iMom, and while a lot of it is about parenting, they always have a little thought or something about marriage.  The email I got today had an article about affair proofing your marriage.  It is written for the wife, but since this relates to both the husband and the wife, I thought I would share it with you.  Also I encourage you to check out Family First at familyfirst.net and if you are a dad, check out All Pro Dad.  Great website and programs that I highly recommend!!!

The following 10 Ways to "Affair Proof" Your Marriage are based on ideas from authors Brett and Kate McKay.

1. Avoid temptation. 

Many affairs begin when people start talking about their personal pressures and problems with another person besides their spouse. They feel like the other person empathizes and understands them better.  This can then lead to a feeling of closeness, which, if left unchecked, can lead to an intimate emotional or physical relationship.  This is most common in these 3 affair danger zones.

2. Date your spouse. 

Establish a "date night" and treat this time as sacred by putting it "in ink" on your calendar.  Try to have at least one date night a month, but aim for two.  Make your date something fun and interactive.  Studies show that keeping your dates fresh, actually brings back the "butterflies" of your dating days. 

3. Stop the pornography.

Pornography destroys people and relationships.  Just like the hard drive on your computer, every time a person sees pornography, those images are stored permanently in their mind.  Pornography can also create unrealistic expectations for your sexual relationship with your spouse.  Since pornography can become so addictive and destructive, the best course of action is to avoid it completely. 

4. Be thoughtful. 

Do nice things for your spouse even when you don't feel like it.  Treat her as you would a valued friend and train yourself to focus your thoughts on what she does right. Keep your thoughts away from the "grass is always greener game" where you look at other spouses and other women and imagine that they are so much better than your own spouse.

5. Initiate affection. 

Studies show that couples who are affectionate with each other stay together. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your spouse.  Give them a hug or surprise kiss and say how much you love them. Hold their hand when you're out together. These small gestures will help strengthen the physical connection that every relationship needs.

6. Have sex regularly. 

Couples sometimes stray because their spouse is not meeting their sexual needs.  It's easy to understand how that can happen.  Exhaustion, busyness, emotional distance and many other things cause a couple's sex life to wither. While those might be valid reasons, they must be dealt with.  Start by talking to your husband about your sex life and move on from there.  

7. Talk some and listen always. 

Find some time each day to have meaningful conversations with your spouse. If you have children, find a few moments after you put them in bed. Talk about what you did during the day. Discuss what you've been thinking about lately. Share your dreams. And be sure to be a good listener by dropping what you are doing, making eye contact, and showing that you are genuinely interested in what she's saying.  The idea is to deepen the bond between you and your spouse. It's harder to withdraw from your spouse when you've made such an emotional investment.

8. Meet Each Others Needs. 

What is the number one need for most men?  Respect.  Without it, even your best efforts to be a good wife in other areas might fall short.  What about your needs?  Before you become bitter at your husband for not meeting them, be sure you'veclearly let your husband know what your needs are.

9. Don't Push Him or Her Away.

Most wives really do want a good marriage, but it's easy to be guilty of these 10 Ways to Push Your Husband Away.  Be aware of the signals you're sending your husband.   

10. Evaluate your vulnerabilities. 

Sit down with your spouse and evaluate your vulnerabilities. Some people have jobs where they travel a lot. Being away from home in tempting environments can create challenges.  See #1 above.  Some have personality traits that open themselves up for infidelity. These traits don't have to be bad either. For example, you might naturally be an empathetic listener or an affectionate person. There's nothing wrong with that, but some people may take this attention the wrong way.

Date Night #5

This Date Night Idea is an Epic Date Night which means it is more suited for an anniversary, birthday, or special occasion.
I know as men, the ABC reality shows Bachelor and Bachelorette are probably not high on your list, however this date night idea is a take off of that show (minus the other 24 women, hey you're not a bachelor anyways!)  :-)
You can do this in one afternoon/evening or over a weekend.  Get at least six long-stemmed red roses and take your wife out on an extended date of mini-dates.  Start by going on a walk or use the drive to the first location as "the first date".  Use this time to talk to your spouse.  If you remember your first date, chances are there wasn't very much awkward silence since there was eventually a second date.  Once you are done with your walk (or the drive if that works best for your situation) give your wife one rose.  You don't even have to say "will you accept this rose".  Then you are on Date #2.  Have a picnic for lunch.  It can be something fairly simple and light.  After your meal, give her the 2nd rose.  Next, leave and go do a fun activity for Date #3.  It can be something active like rock climbing (indoor works well too) or bowling.  Have fun with it and try something new or plan something you know she'll enjoy.  At the end, give her another rose.  For Date #4, go someplace quiet and hopefully somewhat romantic.  Use the time to talk about your future: goals, dreams, etc.  Give your wife the 4th rose.  After that go out for dinner at a restaurant or make her a nice candlelit dinner at home.  Give her the 5th rose.  Present her with a card.  You can have the card read something like: Will you go to the Fantasy Suite with me?  It's also fun if you are staying at a hotel that night to put the room key in the card.  Go to the hotel or your bedroom where the 6th rose is laying on her pillow with a love letter that you wrote for her.
This will take some effort on your part as you will have to have some things done before hand.  If your activities require wardrobe changes, plan time for that.  You may be wearing athletic gear or casual for the first 3 dates and then want to dress up for the last 3 dates.  Make the hotel room or your bedroom resemble a Fantasy Suite as much as you can.

"Things You Don't Say To Your Wife" by Tim Hawkins

Enjoy!

Marriage Check-Ups

Just like your car needs a tune-up, so does your marriage.  Successful couples set a specific time to do an evaluation of their marriage. This could be weekly, bi-monthly, or monthly depending what you and your wife decide.

Many couples have found it really helpful to set a time to meet once a week. That way if something has come up, they can discuss it if they haven't been able to during the week.  This check-up can be as formal or causal as you want. For example, it could be as formal as each spouse thoughtfully saying the top-five positives and top-two negatives of the week. You could then talk about relationship/marriage goals you had set for the week and assess the progress you made or the areas that need improvement. For less formal check-ups it could be as simple as eating dessert together or going for a walk and just having a very informal discussion about the week. For instance, how the two of you thought the week went and what you liked and didn't like. These check-ups are just little ways to make sure you and your wife are on track.

A little tip that I would suggest is to make sure that when you talk about the negatives, you focus on attacking the problem not your spouse.

Note: If you are having the same arguments or problems over and over consider going to see your religious leader or a marriage counselor. Talking about these issues with a professional might bring new eyes to the situation and can help give you tools to put an end to those issues in a positive way. There are a lot of people in our society who look at counseling in a negative light. I want you to know that is an incorrect perspective. Couples who go to counseling care about their marriage and are willing to work and do whatever it takes to have an optimal marriage. Not all counselors are equal, so please try several counselors to make sure you find one that fits you and your spouse.

Healthy Balanced Marriages

With every relationship there needs to be a healthy balance. Husbands and wives should discuss what they feel their balance is or their "happy place". For some couples, balance is spending more time together than apart. For other couples, it is spending more time apart than together. Every couple is different and that is why both of the examples above are balanced, healthy relationships. 

Marriages will only be unbalanced and unhappy if a couple spends the majority of their time apart or if the majority of their time is spent together. Another example of an unbalanced marriage is when one spouse wants more time and the other wants less. In the case of the couple who spends all their time apart, how do you think you could spend more time together? Marriage is a relationship. If a couple doesn't spend some time together, the relationship will weaken, just like a muscle who isn't getting a regular workout.  If the couple spends all of their time together, there is the danger of becoming jealous and becoming so intertwined that you lose yourself and your identity. If you are the couple wanting different things, try to compromise. You and your spouse may have really different personalities and interests. Instead of compromising by taking turns of doing what the other person likes, try finding things that you two can learn to enjoy together. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

 Do you feel your relationship is balanced? 

Does your spouse? 

 If you think about this past month how did you spend your time?  

How did your spouse spend her time? 

 Were you more together or more apart? 

When you were apart did you feel that your spouse supported you? 

 What about when your wife did something apart from you? 

Did you support her?

Are there some things that you would have changed or done differently?

Have you and your spouse talked about those things?

When things become unbalanced in your relationship, take time to evaluate how you have been spending your time. Has your spouse been neglected? Do you support each other in the activities you are doing? What can you do to get balanced again? 

Life Happens! Sometimes we get knocked off balance in our marriages. The most important thing you as a couple is to know your balance so you can get back on track!  

Friday Night Date Night #4

We wanted to give a shout out to a wonderful blog that has some great date night ideas! Many of their ideas are low cost and can be done right inside your home! Check out their site for some really fun creative ideas!

Our Blog

After we received a comment from one of our readers, we wanted to get to know our readers better and thought it would be fun if you knew a little about us, our blog, and how it all got started.


About Us:

Stacey

Stacey will receive her Bachelor of Science Degree from Brigham Young University's School of Family Life in August. Stacey has been married for almost four years and has a daughter who will be three the end of this year. Stacey's favorite classes in her field were Marriage Prep, Marriage Enhancement, Parenting, Family Finance, Religion in the Home, Strengthening Marriage and Family, and Family Recreation. Stacey loves studying and reading books on relationships. Some of her favorites include Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, First Comes Love and Then Comes Marriage by Dr. Douglas Brinley, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, and Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute. Stacey has the unique ability to understand relationship dynamics and would love to get her Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Stacey is very passionate about helping individuals, families, and communities understand the power of successful marriages and family relationships.

Kim

Kim celebrated her ten year wedding anniversary this past March.  She and her husband are the parents of 4 incredible children ages 8, 6, 3, and 5 months.  Kim considers herself a life-long student and loves devouring pretty much any book she can get her hands on.  She thrives on feeling peace in all aspects of life.  Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Revisited and Total Money Makeover are her go-to books on finances.  Kim also enjoys Dr. Meg Meeker's books Strong Father, Strong Daughter and Boys Should Be Boys.  Another book that Kim likes is No: Why Kids--Of All Ages--Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh.  Along with reading, Kim also enjoys cooking, specifically baking, and spending time with her family.


The Beginning of our Blog:

As sisters and best friends, Kim and I talk daily about different topics and ideas from articles and books we have read, experiences we have encountered, and observations we have seen in our every day lives. One day we were joking around about how we should write a book to help husbands with some basic things that would strengthen their homes and families; mainly their relationships with their wives. Well, as luck would have it I decided to take a Business Writing and Speaking class. I was given the assignment to start a blog about something I am passionate about. That night I talked to Kim and we decided to start our Helpful Hints for Hubbies blog.


About Our Blog:

We wrote this blog in hopes to help those who read it. This blog was designed to give ideas, tips, and just some basic information that we felt would strengthen family bonds. We know that not everything is applicable to everyone and that each husband, wife, and relationship is different.   We know that women and men cannot be generalized into one category nor should they be. We are all different. We all have different backgrounds, personalities, talents, and tastes. That is what makes this world so great! There are women who do not view romance the same way that we have portrayed in our posts and who would not like some of the ideas that we have posted. There are men who are already phenomenal at these things we are talking about. Our readers are very important to us and we appreciate your feedback and insights.


Getting to Know You Better: 

We were curious if more men or women read our blog. Please vote in our poll on the upper right hand corner of our blog!

Thanks!

Intimacy

Intimacy is a very personal topic, but I feel it is one of the most important in a marriage.

Here are a couple things to remember:

1. Intimacy starts before the bedroom. It is really hard for women to feel loved if they aren't getting any physical touch outside of the bedroom. Women love to hold hands, receive hugs and kisses, and cuddle on the couch. Maybe your wife likes a simple touch on the arm when you're talking or a back massage. If those things are present, then when it is time to be intimate in the bedroom it is a continuation of that love that you've shown each other throughout the day. Women also need to feel respected and appreciated. What woman wants to make love to a man that has been rude and disrespectful all day? A way to stay conscience of this is at the end of each day evaluate how you treated your wife. Make plans or set goals on how to improve. You will see that by working on what you can control, it will make a difference in the things you can't control. 
2. Intimacy is more than just physical. Women need to feel safe and secure in their relationships. They want to know that their man loves them and wants to be with them in more than just the physical way. A simple way to establish that security is to do what you say you are going to do. If she sees you as someone who is dependable and makes her a priority, she'll feel safe and trust you.   
3. Give her some time to get ready. We've all heard it before but it's true, men are like stoves and women are like ovens; men can get turned on really fast while it takes women some time to pre-heat. So here is a simple suggestion. If you wife has been gone all day at work or has been running around with little ones, offer to clean up from dinner or put the little ones to bed while she takes a shower and can unwind. This will help her relax and be able to feel sexy and attractive. No woman wants to be intimate if she feels exhausted and undone.

One last note:

What happens in the bedroom is between you and your wife. Communicate your expectations with each other, your likes and dislikes, and express gratitude when appropriate. The more you focus on your spouse's needs and wants, the more loved she will feel.  

Friday Date Night #3

Summer brings lots of outdoor entertainment.  Check the internet for local outdoor concerts.  Drive-in movies are another fun idea.  For a state-by-state list of drive-in movie theaters, click here.

Household Chores: Laundry

 This is just a quick post about laundry.  My husband is fully capable of doing laundry, but as a stay-at-home-mom, I am happy to do the household laundry.  However, I do have a few requests.
1. Empty those pockets.  I would love to have hours on end to search through every pocket on every piece of clothing my family wears (especially those cargo shorts/pants), but I don't, so check your own pockets.
2. Make sure your socks are not inside out.  This just helps folding laundry go faster.  When we take off our socks they tend to be inside out.  When you have 20 (or more) pairs of socks to match, having the socks not be inside out can help!
3. Put away your clothes!  There are few things that get me more irate than clean clothes that are nicely, lovingly, pain-stakingly folded and then they are carelessly picked up, tossed around, and (take a deep breath) sometimes, they even end up back in the dirty clothes basket without being worn!
4. Pick up your dirty clothes!  Your wife does not want to feel like your maid.  Making her walk around your bedroom picking up your dirty underwear, socks, jeans, etc. will make her feel like hired help.  You are a grown man, pick up your own dirty clothes.
5. Treat stains.  If you spill something on your shirt, treat it with stain remover as soon as possible.  Don't toss it into your dirty clothes basket or place it on the washing machine only to have your wife find it days later and then have to work a miracle to get the stain out of your clothes.  Also don't clean up spilled milk with a dish towel and then leave it for your wife to smell later.

Roles and Responsibilities

All of us were shown in our families of origin how to do things a certain way and who should do them. Because all of our families are different, this could cause a lot of conflict in marriage if they are not discussed and agreed upon.

• Is it the husband's or the wife's role to take out the trash, pay the bills, do the dishes, laundry, etc?  
• Do you share certain roles or are they strictly delegated to one person? 
• Do each of you feel that you have the right amount or is one person carrying more weight than the other?
• What happens if someone doesn't fulfill their responsibility? Are there consequences?
• What happens if the other person is sick or out of town?  Is the other person expected to step up and take on all the responsibility or does it get left undone until the person is back?
• Are these roles permanent or will they change over time?  

Just like a business, each family member needs to know what their roles and responsibilities are so they can be accountable for whether or not they are doing their part.

It is also helpful to know the other person's expectations.  An example of this is who mows the grass. I have a really good friend who majored in Landscape Architecture. She is out on her lawn mower every week and thoroughly enjoys it. However, I have another friend who her husband would be mortified if she even thought of mowing the yard and she would be so upset if that was expected of her .

So what should you do?

Discuss the questions above with one another. Write down all of the different roles and responsibilities you can think of in your every day lives and begin to divide the roles. (It is nice to put it on paper, so both of you can see if someone has a bigger load than the other)  If there are some differences, talk about why you thought the way you did and if it is something you really want to stand your ground on or if it is something you can let go of.

Back to the example of my friend. I know her husband and I can tell you that he grew up thinking it was going to be his job to mow the yard, but he soon learned that was something she had looked forward to since graduating that he wasn't going to fight her on it because it wasn't worth fighting over.

If there is something you both enjoy doing or something you think is absolutely terrible, then try alternating every other week and put a reminder somewhere that lets you know when it's your turn to do it.

Friday Date Night Idea #2

Grab some dinner at one of your favorite restaurants, pack a picnic dinner, or try a new place to eat and get the food to go. Find a nice park, grassy spot by a lake, or even the beach and have a picnic. You can even bring games that might be fun. For example, a fun card game you two enjoy, a frisbee, or bocce ball. If games are not your thing, you could try feeding the ducks, going for a paddle boat ride, or even watching one of your favorite movies on your computer. 

(Picture courtesy of http://beautyandbedlam.com/prioritizing-date-nights)

Date Night is what your wife is looking forward to all week long. It's the time she gets to spend with just you! So make plans and follow through. 

Finances

When God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden, He gave him a helpmeet, Eve.  Helpmeet means equal partner.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard a man jokingly say, "I earn the money and she spends it."  Some men feel that as long as they provide the paycheck, that their job with finances is done.  They figure that the wife usually handles things like the budget, grocery shopping, and paying the bills anyways.  Maybe you, the husband, are the one who handles all the money and your wife lives in a care-free, oblivious world where as long as she has plastic and checks in her wallet, she can buy to her heart's content.  That leaves you with the pressure of having to constantly earn enough so your "princess" can have whatever she wants.  Finances must be 50/50 with both sides being mature, responsible adults.  The husband and the wife should be equally, actively involved with the finances regardless of who brings home paychecks, pays bills, etc.
The budget should be done every month with both people sitting down and agreeing to what is written out.  I think the main reason couples don't do this is because money is one of the most common problems husbands and wives fight about.  I have found in my 10 years of marriage that when you don't talk about money and aren't both actively involved, that's when there is contention about money.  When both of you sit down and feel like you are both engaged in handling your money, there is harmony in marriage over money matters.  There is also a meeting of the minds where both people feel empowered.  Let's be honest, regardless of your financial situation, many people would agree that they feel stress when it comes to money.  We can choose to both carry that weight alone, or we can choose to carry that weight together, as partners, hand in hand.  For the sake of your marriage, carry it together.  Be the husband your wife deserves and help her with the load instead of letting her struggle with it alone.
So where do we begin?  There are many financial helps: books at the library, shows on TV, websites, etc.  The first thing to do is talk with your spouse.  Tell them that you both need to be on the same page when it comes to money.  Sit down and look at your finances.  How much is your combined income?  How much is your debt?  If you are married, then the total income is both of yours and that debt is both of yours.  Start out by doing a monthly budget.  You have to do this every month.  While many of the expenses might remain the same month after month, your budget is rarely the exact same every month.  Once you figure out a budget for this month, commit to each other that you will stick to it.  This takes self control, especially if you aren't used to living on a budget.  Be realistic when you are creating your budget.  Do you really only spend $100 a month on food (groceries and eating out)?  You will be setting yourself up to fail if you are not realistic.
I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey.  One of the main reasons I like him so much is because his plan is broken down into Baby Steps.  I love having a plan and I can focus on one step at a time and not get overwhelmed.   
Baby Step #1 is a baby emergency fund of $1000 in savings.  It should be in a savings account that is easy to get a hold of in case there is an emergency, but let's define an emergency.  A new dress is not an emergency.  Your car's air conditioning going out in July in Texas would be an emergency.  Christmas is not an emergency.  An unexpected illness is an emergency.  After you get that $1000 in the bank, it's time for #2 which is your debt snowball.
Baby Step #2 In this step you list all your debts except for your house in order from smallest amount to largest amount.  It doesn't matter what the interest rate is.  Pay only the minimum payment on all the debt except for the smallest.  So let's say you have 3 debts.  You have a medical bill that is $200, a credit card that is $500 and a student loan that is $10,000.  You pay the min. payment on the credit card and the student loan and you take any extra money that you can squeeze out of your budget and you pay towards your medical bill.  Once that is paid off, you take the money you were using to pay it off plus the minimum payment for the credit card and you start chipping away at the credit card.  See why it's called a snowball.  As you pay things off, the amount you have to put towards your next debt keeps growing.  When you are debt-free except for your house, you move onto
Baby Step #3 which is a fully-funded emergency fund of 3-6 months.  So if your monthly income is $4000/month, you need $12,000-$24,000 set aside in an emergency fund.  This is for bigger emergencies like loss of job.  Once you've saved up 3-6 months of expenses, if you do not own a home, this is where you would begin saving for a down payment.  Dave Ramsey recommends at least 20 % down (he actually recommends you buying your home with cash, but most of us can't do that).  He also recommends that you get a 15 year fixed mortgage with a payment no bigger than 25% of your take-home pay.
Baby Step #4 is to put 15% of your income into retirement.  If your employer has a match for your 401K, contribute up to the match and then fund a Roth IRA with the rest of the 15 %.
Baby Step #5 is college savings in either an Educational Savings Account or a 529 (but he's picky about 529's).
Baby Step #6 is to pay off your home.
Baby Step #7 is to Build Wealth by saving and investing and to give.
I highly recommend taking Financial Peace University if there is one near you.  You pay for one person and your spouse attends free and you have a lifetime membership.
At daveramsey.com, you can also find budget forms to help you begin your budget.  I know that it may seem a bit overwhelming, but I promise, once you begin and you get on the same page with money, you will have one area of your life and your marriage that is secure and brings peace.  Good luck!

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Continue to Date Your Wife

Most men put all their time and energy on getting their girl. Now that you have your sweetheart and the wedding is over your job is done, right?  Sorry men, you just got started!

The next tip is to continue to date your wife. If possible, make a date night once a week. I don't care if you are 21 or 91 taking your wife out on the town or planning an at home evening for two will continue that fire between you to burn.

Let's go back to the time you were dating.  Remember when you would call her and ask her out. She would get excited and get herself all dolled up. You'd get the car washed and vacuumed. You'd both look and smell great, and of course would act on your very best behavior. You'd talk about interests, likes, dislikes, and the future.  You would try to be the perfect gentleman and try to impress her with your date night plans so that she would fall more and more in love with you.

If you want your love to keep growing, this is a must! It will help your relationship to get deeper and stronger as the years continue. It will also help you stay connected in each other's lives, and more importantly it is the time that both of you will have the opportunity to focus 100 percent on building your relationship.

So how do you date your wife?

To start, think about what you did when you first met her. How did you get her attention? How would you ask her out? What did you do on your dates?  What was one of her favorite dates? If you know how to win her over, go back to the basics. If you really did not do much besides dinner and a movie or are bored with the same routine, try to think of new and fun things to do. (Check out our blog every Friday night for date ideas!)

Second, even though you live with your wife, you still can make the effort to call her and ask her out. If you have a standing weekly date night or you want to spice it up, you could even leave her a note Friday morning with a hint of the night's activity or just to tell her how excited you are about the evening. Depending on your wife, you could even make the babysitting arrangements for her so it's one less thing she has to do.

Next, dress for the occasion and let her know what to expect. There is nothing more frustrating than getting in heels only later to find out that you're going to a baseball game. Also, men you have to make an effort. Make sure you look nice. You want her to still have eyes for you! If you want to surprise her, just make sure to either pack the appropriate gear for her and hide it in the car, or if you want to go the safe route, which I would recommend, let her know the minimum details to be sure she's going to be comfortable and has made appropriate babysitting arrangements. No matter what you do, whether it is a pajama party at home or a romantic restaurant overlooking the city, make sure that you've thought of her and that she is going to have fun!

Last but definitely not least, on your date be the prince she has dreamed of marrying her whole life. On occasion, surprise her with flowers. Always open the door for her, unless you know for sure she doesn't like that.  Be kind and courteous. Use your manners. Show her that she made the right decision by choosing you!

Love is something you have to keep working on.  So once a week, try and challenge yourself to see if you can get your wife to fall in love with you all over again, or see if you can impress her!

Friday Date Night Idea

Since it is Friday, I decided to do a Friday date night idea.  July 4th is next week, so I think it would be fun to visit a national historic landmark.  You can find a state-by-state list of them here.  Be sure to check the hours of operation.  End the night with a yummy cool treat.  Sonic has shakes 1/2 price after 8 pm and Chick-Fil-A has a new dessert menu.  If you are feeling extra-patriotic, grab a slice of apple pie.  Cracker Barrel has a delicious Baked Apple Dumplin.  Enjoy a fun night with your sweetie!

Gift Giving 101

Gifts really matter to me.  I enjoy giving and receiving presents.  I love when the recipient of one of my gifts opens it up to find a present that is truly something that is useful and they can tell I put some thought into it.  I try to make gift giving easy on my husband by giving him a list for my birthdays and Christmas.  Even though he does a great job at getting me presents, I know he still struggles to find a balance between giving me the "go-to" gift that has been successful in the past and coming up with something that I will love that shows he put in that extra thoughtfulness.
Each wife is different.  What works for me may not work for everyone.  These are just some suggestions that will hopefully help.
 Birthdays: Unless your wife is a serious DIYer, chances are she won't appreciate the tools that you've been eying for her birthday.  I would also steer away from things related to housework (including appliances) unless she's really been dying for a Shark Navigator, which I actually am.  Ask yourself: What is it that she rarely splurges on for herself?  Perhaps a spa treatment like a pedicure or money for some new clothes or shoes?  Unless you are seriously strapped for cash, give your wife something that is a want and not a need.  For example, a nicer camera to replace her 15-year-old camera that still uses film, a book she's been wanting to read, take her to the chick-flick she's been dying to see.  If you are on a tight budget, then financial security can definitely be a blessing and a wonderful gift, but it will be hard if year after year all she hears is "Honey, I paid down the student loan.  Happy Birthday!"  It would be nice if you would get her something small as well.  One year, when cash was a little tight, my husband got me a small container filled with chocolate (Reese's miniature cups, Hershey's kisses, rolos)  all my favorites.  He knew that I rarely indulged in those kinds of treats and it was a great gift.  Since it was a small container, my hips thanked him too.  Another budget-friendly idea is to take a cute picture of the kids and put it in a nice inexpensive frame.  Bottom line: birthdays are about making her feel special so get her a few gifts that are things she wants, but won't buy for herself.  It would also be great to treat her to lunch or dinner.  And for Heaven's Sake, don't make her bake her own birthday cake!
Christmas: I would say that most of what I said for birthdays would also apply for Holidays like Christmas and Hanukkah.  I would also caution away from deciding not to exchange gifts.  Even if money is tight, you can both find something under $10 to give to the other person, and they probably don't need a personalized pen or one of those 365 rip-a-page-off-every-day calendar either.
Valentine's Day: This is a tricky holiday as some women like the cliche gifts: chocolate, flowers, jewelry, and some women don't.  For me, reservations at a nicer restaurant and one nice gift is ideal.  Even though I'm not a huge jewelry fan, a thoughtfully picked-out necklace would be appreciated.  Valentine's Day is the perfect occasion to be romantic.  An idea would be to do something for just the two of you such as a couple's massage or a ballroom dance lesson.  For those creative husbands, a poem, song, picture, or even a slideshow with pictures of the two of you put with a sweet song would be well-received.  I always remind my husband not to buy flowers on Valentine's Day because they are so over-priced.  If you go the lingerie route, my advice would be to make sure you get something that would be tasteful and help your wife to feel desirable.  If she is a conservative gal, getting her black leather and a whip may not end with the Valentine's night you had planned.
Anniversary: If it is a "big" anniversary, a get away for two is ideal.  Even a staycation with a night at a hotel is a good way to go.  Some hotels even have themed suites like Anniversary Inn.  If it is not a big anniversary, I would still make an effort to have the night all to yourselves.  Have the kids sleepover at Grandma's if possible.  At the very least take her to dinner at a nicer restaurant or a special picnic.  Flowers are an anniversary must as well.  This would be another occasion where a couple's massage or ballroom dance lesson would be appropriate as well as the other creative ideas from Valentine's day.  The great thing is, you don't even have to think up things yourself.  You can always use the internet to get great ideas for cute ways to show your wife how much you love her.
 Final thought: Gifts are not just about giving something material to someone else.  It's about wanting to do something nice for your sweetheart.  You don't always need a holiday or special occasion either.  Bringing her home flowers or a special treat just because is always a great way to remind her that you love and appreciate her.  Some free gift ideas would be to do the dishes or clean the bathroom without being asked.  You could even do a couple things off  that honey-do list.

Communication

We all know men and women are different, especially when it comes to communication. Most wives love to talk. We talk all the time. We share our thoughts and feelings every chance we get.  Husbands however are mostly described to have few words and are not as open with their emotions. This can be very frustrating to a woman in a marriage. When she was single, she had her girlfriends and family to talk to. Now that she is married, she wants to have her husband as her best friend and confidant.  A lot of times if she has been gone all day or has only talked to children under the age of 10, she is counting down the minutes until her husband gets home so she can have a real conversation and unload. But to a husband, this is sometimes very overwhelming. After being gone all day, all a husband wants to do is come home and unwind. Sometimes, husbands do not even have that luxury. A lot of times husbands still have work to do, lawns to mow, children to play with, church responsibilities, and their plates are full.  It is no wonder that communication is in the top five reasons marriages end in divorce.  So what do you do?

Tip #1:  15 minutes of uninterrupted communication a day

• Let your wife know that she is important to you.
• Let her know that you would love to spend time with her and hear what she has to say.  
• Sit down and make room in your schedule when you will dedicate 15 minutes that you can give to just her. (No kids, no interrupting phone calls, no distractions.) You may have to wake up earlier, put a movie on for the kids, or wait 15 minutes to do a project or task you had planned to do. 
• If you need to set a timer so that you are not worried or distracted by time. Lastly, be in the moment.
• Really try to listen, share, and make this a special time for both of you. 

Note: If it is awkward at first, make a list of questions or topics you would like to discuss with her and have her do the same. 

Tip#2:  The little things go a long way

• When you walk into the front door, it means the world to a woman if her husband comes over first thing and says hello and gives her a hug and a kiss.  Even if your children are wanting all of your attention, it will teach your children to love and respect their mom by the way you show your love and respect to your wife. 
• Another idea is to send her text messages, e-mails, or leaving her little notes at home while your at work, just letting her know that you love her. Remember, just because you are married does not mean you have to stop flirting and courting. Your messages can also help her stay motivated throughout the day. It can be as simple as "Honey, you are such a great wife and mom." or "I am the luckiest man in the world."   

Tip #3 Listening

A huge part of communication is listening. When we tell someone something, we want them to listen and understand what we are saying. Here are some suggestions.

• Turn off distractions, even thoughts in your own mind. 
• Face your wife and look at her. 
• Lean in and show intent and concern. 
• Comment on some of the things she is saying. For example you could say ,"Oh, really?", "I see", or "That's interesting".  
• Don't interrupt!  Many men want to jump in and solve her problems, but most women just want to vent. If you have an idea that might help, save it until she is done. Then make comments like, "What ideas have you thought of?"  "May I suggest something that might help?" even something like "I have never been put in that exact situations, but I would love to think about things that I could do to help."
• And lastly, you can use Active Listening. Active Listening is when you check for your understanding. So when she is all done you could say, "So what your saying is..." or even "In other words, ...." or "Let me get this straight."  Paraphrase what she is saying so that she knows you are listening and you know you have understood her clearly.

Doing these steps will help validate your wife's feelings. It will make her feel loved, special and appreciated.  It will help her see that you are still wanting to have a relationship with her and you value her as your partner.