Healthy Balanced Marriages

With every relationship there needs to be a healthy balance. Husbands and wives should discuss what they feel their balance is or their "happy place". For some couples, balance is spending more time together than apart. For other couples, it is spending more time apart than together. Every couple is different and that is why both of the examples above are balanced, healthy relationships. 

Marriages will only be unbalanced and unhappy if a couple spends the majority of their time apart or if the majority of their time is spent together. Another example of an unbalanced marriage is when one spouse wants more time and the other wants less. In the case of the couple who spends all their time apart, how do you think you could spend more time together? Marriage is a relationship. If a couple doesn't spend some time together, the relationship will weaken, just like a muscle who isn't getting a regular workout.  If the couple spends all of their time together, there is the danger of becoming jealous and becoming so intertwined that you lose yourself and your identity. If you are the couple wanting different things, try to compromise. You and your spouse may have really different personalities and interests. Instead of compromising by taking turns of doing what the other person likes, try finding things that you two can learn to enjoy together. 

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

 Do you feel your relationship is balanced? 

Does your spouse? 

 If you think about this past month how did you spend your time?  

How did your spouse spend her time? 

 Were you more together or more apart? 

When you were apart did you feel that your spouse supported you? 

 What about when your wife did something apart from you? 

Did you support her?

Are there some things that you would have changed or done differently?

Have you and your spouse talked about those things?

When things become unbalanced in your relationship, take time to evaluate how you have been spending your time. Has your spouse been neglected? Do you support each other in the activities you are doing? What can you do to get balanced again? 

Life Happens! Sometimes we get knocked off balance in our marriages. The most important thing you as a couple is to know your balance so you can get back on track!  

Friday Night Date Night #4

We wanted to give a shout out to a wonderful blog that has some great date night ideas! Many of their ideas are low cost and can be done right inside your home! Check out their site for some really fun creative ideas!

Our Blog

After we received a comment from one of our readers, we wanted to get to know our readers better and thought it would be fun if you knew a little about us, our blog, and how it all got started.


About Us:

Stacey

Stacey will receive her Bachelor of Science Degree from Brigham Young University's School of Family Life in August. Stacey has been married for almost four years and has a daughter who will be three the end of this year. Stacey's favorite classes in her field were Marriage Prep, Marriage Enhancement, Parenting, Family Finance, Religion in the Home, Strengthening Marriage and Family, and Family Recreation. Stacey loves studying and reading books on relationships. Some of her favorites include Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, First Comes Love and Then Comes Marriage by Dr. Douglas Brinley, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman, and Leadership and Self-Deception by The Arbinger Institute. Stacey has the unique ability to understand relationship dynamics and would love to get her Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. Stacey is very passionate about helping individuals, families, and communities understand the power of successful marriages and family relationships.

Kim

Kim celebrated her ten year wedding anniversary this past March.  She and her husband are the parents of 4 incredible children ages 8, 6, 3, and 5 months.  Kim considers herself a life-long student and loves devouring pretty much any book she can get her hands on.  She thrives on feeling peace in all aspects of life.  Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Revisited and Total Money Makeover are her go-to books on finances.  Kim also enjoys Dr. Meg Meeker's books Strong Father, Strong Daughter and Boys Should Be Boys.  Another book that Kim likes is No: Why Kids--Of All Ages--Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It by David Walsh.  Along with reading, Kim also enjoys cooking, specifically baking, and spending time with her family.


The Beginning of our Blog:

As sisters and best friends, Kim and I talk daily about different topics and ideas from articles and books we have read, experiences we have encountered, and observations we have seen in our every day lives. One day we were joking around about how we should write a book to help husbands with some basic things that would strengthen their homes and families; mainly their relationships with their wives. Well, as luck would have it I decided to take a Business Writing and Speaking class. I was given the assignment to start a blog about something I am passionate about. That night I talked to Kim and we decided to start our Helpful Hints for Hubbies blog.


About Our Blog:

We wrote this blog in hopes to help those who read it. This blog was designed to give ideas, tips, and just some basic information that we felt would strengthen family bonds. We know that not everything is applicable to everyone and that each husband, wife, and relationship is different.   We know that women and men cannot be generalized into one category nor should they be. We are all different. We all have different backgrounds, personalities, talents, and tastes. That is what makes this world so great! There are women who do not view romance the same way that we have portrayed in our posts and who would not like some of the ideas that we have posted. There are men who are already phenomenal at these things we are talking about. Our readers are very important to us and we appreciate your feedback and insights.


Getting to Know You Better: 

We were curious if more men or women read our blog. Please vote in our poll on the upper right hand corner of our blog!

Thanks!

Intimacy

Intimacy is a very personal topic, but I feel it is one of the most important in a marriage.

Here are a couple things to remember:

1. Intimacy starts before the bedroom. It is really hard for women to feel loved if they aren't getting any physical touch outside of the bedroom. Women love to hold hands, receive hugs and kisses, and cuddle on the couch. Maybe your wife likes a simple touch on the arm when you're talking or a back massage. If those things are present, then when it is time to be intimate in the bedroom it is a continuation of that love that you've shown each other throughout the day. Women also need to feel respected and appreciated. What woman wants to make love to a man that has been rude and disrespectful all day? A way to stay conscience of this is at the end of each day evaluate how you treated your wife. Make plans or set goals on how to improve. You will see that by working on what you can control, it will make a difference in the things you can't control. 
2. Intimacy is more than just physical. Women need to feel safe and secure in their relationships. They want to know that their man loves them and wants to be with them in more than just the physical way. A simple way to establish that security is to do what you say you are going to do. If she sees you as someone who is dependable and makes her a priority, she'll feel safe and trust you.   
3. Give her some time to get ready. We've all heard it before but it's true, men are like stoves and women are like ovens; men can get turned on really fast while it takes women some time to pre-heat. So here is a simple suggestion. If you wife has been gone all day at work or has been running around with little ones, offer to clean up from dinner or put the little ones to bed while she takes a shower and can unwind. This will help her relax and be able to feel sexy and attractive. No woman wants to be intimate if she feels exhausted and undone.

One last note:

What happens in the bedroom is between you and your wife. Communicate your expectations with each other, your likes and dislikes, and express gratitude when appropriate. The more you focus on your spouse's needs and wants, the more loved she will feel.  

Friday Date Night #3

Summer brings lots of outdoor entertainment.  Check the internet for local outdoor concerts.  Drive-in movies are another fun idea.  For a state-by-state list of drive-in movie theaters, click here.

Household Chores: Laundry

 This is just a quick post about laundry.  My husband is fully capable of doing laundry, but as a stay-at-home-mom, I am happy to do the household laundry.  However, I do have a few requests.
1. Empty those pockets.  I would love to have hours on end to search through every pocket on every piece of clothing my family wears (especially those cargo shorts/pants), but I don't, so check your own pockets.
2. Make sure your socks are not inside out.  This just helps folding laundry go faster.  When we take off our socks they tend to be inside out.  When you have 20 (or more) pairs of socks to match, having the socks not be inside out can help!
3. Put away your clothes!  There are few things that get me more irate than clean clothes that are nicely, lovingly, pain-stakingly folded and then they are carelessly picked up, tossed around, and (take a deep breath) sometimes, they even end up back in the dirty clothes basket without being worn!
4. Pick up your dirty clothes!  Your wife does not want to feel like your maid.  Making her walk around your bedroom picking up your dirty underwear, socks, jeans, etc. will make her feel like hired help.  You are a grown man, pick up your own dirty clothes.
5. Treat stains.  If you spill something on your shirt, treat it with stain remover as soon as possible.  Don't toss it into your dirty clothes basket or place it on the washing machine only to have your wife find it days later and then have to work a miracle to get the stain out of your clothes.  Also don't clean up spilled milk with a dish towel and then leave it for your wife to smell later.

Roles and Responsibilities

All of us were shown in our families of origin how to do things a certain way and who should do them. Because all of our families are different, this could cause a lot of conflict in marriage if they are not discussed and agreed upon.

• Is it the husband's or the wife's role to take out the trash, pay the bills, do the dishes, laundry, etc?  
• Do you share certain roles or are they strictly delegated to one person? 
• Do each of you feel that you have the right amount or is one person carrying more weight than the other?
• What happens if someone doesn't fulfill their responsibility? Are there consequences?
• What happens if the other person is sick or out of town?  Is the other person expected to step up and take on all the responsibility or does it get left undone until the person is back?
• Are these roles permanent or will they change over time?  

Just like a business, each family member needs to know what their roles and responsibilities are so they can be accountable for whether or not they are doing their part.

It is also helpful to know the other person's expectations.  An example of this is who mows the grass. I have a really good friend who majored in Landscape Architecture. She is out on her lawn mower every week and thoroughly enjoys it. However, I have another friend who her husband would be mortified if she even thought of mowing the yard and she would be so upset if that was expected of her .

So what should you do?

Discuss the questions above with one another. Write down all of the different roles and responsibilities you can think of in your every day lives and begin to divide the roles. (It is nice to put it on paper, so both of you can see if someone has a bigger load than the other)  If there are some differences, talk about why you thought the way you did and if it is something you really want to stand your ground on or if it is something you can let go of.

Back to the example of my friend. I know her husband and I can tell you that he grew up thinking it was going to be his job to mow the yard, but he soon learned that was something she had looked forward to since graduating that he wasn't going to fight her on it because it wasn't worth fighting over.

If there is something you both enjoy doing or something you think is absolutely terrible, then try alternating every other week and put a reminder somewhere that lets you know when it's your turn to do it.

Friday Date Night Idea #2

Grab some dinner at one of your favorite restaurants, pack a picnic dinner, or try a new place to eat and get the food to go. Find a nice park, grassy spot by a lake, or even the beach and have a picnic. You can even bring games that might be fun. For example, a fun card game you two enjoy, a frisbee, or bocce ball. If games are not your thing, you could try feeding the ducks, going for a paddle boat ride, or even watching one of your favorite movies on your computer. 

(Picture courtesy of http://beautyandbedlam.com/prioritizing-date-nights)

Date Night is what your wife is looking forward to all week long. It's the time she gets to spend with just you! So make plans and follow through. 

Finances

When God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden, He gave him a helpmeet, Eve.  Helpmeet means equal partner.  I can't tell you how many times I've heard a man jokingly say, "I earn the money and she spends it."  Some men feel that as long as they provide the paycheck, that their job with finances is done.  They figure that the wife usually handles things like the budget, grocery shopping, and paying the bills anyways.  Maybe you, the husband, are the one who handles all the money and your wife lives in a care-free, oblivious world where as long as she has plastic and checks in her wallet, she can buy to her heart's content.  That leaves you with the pressure of having to constantly earn enough so your "princess" can have whatever she wants.  Finances must be 50/50 with both sides being mature, responsible adults.  The husband and the wife should be equally, actively involved with the finances regardless of who brings home paychecks, pays bills, etc.
The budget should be done every month with both people sitting down and agreeing to what is written out.  I think the main reason couples don't do this is because money is one of the most common problems husbands and wives fight about.  I have found in my 10 years of marriage that when you don't talk about money and aren't both actively involved, that's when there is contention about money.  When both of you sit down and feel like you are both engaged in handling your money, there is harmony in marriage over money matters.  There is also a meeting of the minds where both people feel empowered.  Let's be honest, regardless of your financial situation, many people would agree that they feel stress when it comes to money.  We can choose to both carry that weight alone, or we can choose to carry that weight together, as partners, hand in hand.  For the sake of your marriage, carry it together.  Be the husband your wife deserves and help her with the load instead of letting her struggle with it alone.
So where do we begin?  There are many financial helps: books at the library, shows on TV, websites, etc.  The first thing to do is talk with your spouse.  Tell them that you both need to be on the same page when it comes to money.  Sit down and look at your finances.  How much is your combined income?  How much is your debt?  If you are married, then the total income is both of yours and that debt is both of yours.  Start out by doing a monthly budget.  You have to do this every month.  While many of the expenses might remain the same month after month, your budget is rarely the exact same every month.  Once you figure out a budget for this month, commit to each other that you will stick to it.  This takes self control, especially if you aren't used to living on a budget.  Be realistic when you are creating your budget.  Do you really only spend $100 a month on food (groceries and eating out)?  You will be setting yourself up to fail if you are not realistic.
I am a big fan of Dave Ramsey.  One of the main reasons I like him so much is because his plan is broken down into Baby Steps.  I love having a plan and I can focus on one step at a time and not get overwhelmed.   
Baby Step #1 is a baby emergency fund of $1000 in savings.  It should be in a savings account that is easy to get a hold of in case there is an emergency, but let's define an emergency.  A new dress is not an emergency.  Your car's air conditioning going out in July in Texas would be an emergency.  Christmas is not an emergency.  An unexpected illness is an emergency.  After you get that $1000 in the bank, it's time for #2 which is your debt snowball.
Baby Step #2 In this step you list all your debts except for your house in order from smallest amount to largest amount.  It doesn't matter what the interest rate is.  Pay only the minimum payment on all the debt except for the smallest.  So let's say you have 3 debts.  You have a medical bill that is $200, a credit card that is $500 and a student loan that is $10,000.  You pay the min. payment on the credit card and the student loan and you take any extra money that you can squeeze out of your budget and you pay towards your medical bill.  Once that is paid off, you take the money you were using to pay it off plus the minimum payment for the credit card and you start chipping away at the credit card.  See why it's called a snowball.  As you pay things off, the amount you have to put towards your next debt keeps growing.  When you are debt-free except for your house, you move onto
Baby Step #3 which is a fully-funded emergency fund of 3-6 months.  So if your monthly income is $4000/month, you need $12,000-$24,000 set aside in an emergency fund.  This is for bigger emergencies like loss of job.  Once you've saved up 3-6 months of expenses, if you do not own a home, this is where you would begin saving for a down payment.  Dave Ramsey recommends at least 20 % down (he actually recommends you buying your home with cash, but most of us can't do that).  He also recommends that you get a 15 year fixed mortgage with a payment no bigger than 25% of your take-home pay.
Baby Step #4 is to put 15% of your income into retirement.  If your employer has a match for your 401K, contribute up to the match and then fund a Roth IRA with the rest of the 15 %.
Baby Step #5 is college savings in either an Educational Savings Account or a 529 (but he's picky about 529's).
Baby Step #6 is to pay off your home.
Baby Step #7 is to Build Wealth by saving and investing and to give.
I highly recommend taking Financial Peace University if there is one near you.  You pay for one person and your spouse attends free and you have a lifetime membership.
At daveramsey.com, you can also find budget forms to help you begin your budget.  I know that it may seem a bit overwhelming, but I promise, once you begin and you get on the same page with money, you will have one area of your life and your marriage that is secure and brings peace.  Good luck!

We want to hear from you!

Please feel free to post or email comments, feedback, topics you would like to see be addressed and/or any other helpful information! 

Continue to Date Your Wife

Most men put all their time and energy on getting their girl. Now that you have your sweetheart and the wedding is over your job is done, right?  Sorry men, you just got started!

The next tip is to continue to date your wife. If possible, make a date night once a week. I don't care if you are 21 or 91 taking your wife out on the town or planning an at home evening for two will continue that fire between you to burn.

Let's go back to the time you were dating.  Remember when you would call her and ask her out. She would get excited and get herself all dolled up. You'd get the car washed and vacuumed. You'd both look and smell great, and of course would act on your very best behavior. You'd talk about interests, likes, dislikes, and the future.  You would try to be the perfect gentleman and try to impress her with your date night plans so that she would fall more and more in love with you.

If you want your love to keep growing, this is a must! It will help your relationship to get deeper and stronger as the years continue. It will also help you stay connected in each other's lives, and more importantly it is the time that both of you will have the opportunity to focus 100 percent on building your relationship.

So how do you date your wife?

To start, think about what you did when you first met her. How did you get her attention? How would you ask her out? What did you do on your dates?  What was one of her favorite dates? If you know how to win her over, go back to the basics. If you really did not do much besides dinner and a movie or are bored with the same routine, try to think of new and fun things to do. (Check out our blog every Friday night for date ideas!)

Second, even though you live with your wife, you still can make the effort to call her and ask her out. If you have a standing weekly date night or you want to spice it up, you could even leave her a note Friday morning with a hint of the night's activity or just to tell her how excited you are about the evening. Depending on your wife, you could even make the babysitting arrangements for her so it's one less thing she has to do.

Next, dress for the occasion and let her know what to expect. There is nothing more frustrating than getting in heels only later to find out that you're going to a baseball game. Also, men you have to make an effort. Make sure you look nice. You want her to still have eyes for you! If you want to surprise her, just make sure to either pack the appropriate gear for her and hide it in the car, or if you want to go the safe route, which I would recommend, let her know the minimum details to be sure she's going to be comfortable and has made appropriate babysitting arrangements. No matter what you do, whether it is a pajama party at home or a romantic restaurant overlooking the city, make sure that you've thought of her and that she is going to have fun!

Last but definitely not least, on your date be the prince she has dreamed of marrying her whole life. On occasion, surprise her with flowers. Always open the door for her, unless you know for sure she doesn't like that.  Be kind and courteous. Use your manners. Show her that she made the right decision by choosing you!

Love is something you have to keep working on.  So once a week, try and challenge yourself to see if you can get your wife to fall in love with you all over again, or see if you can impress her!