Change Happens Within

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around and shouting that he has been robbed. The fact of the matter is that most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey – delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Some of our attributes are attractive and appealing, while others are annoying and unattractive. Maybe there are times in our marriage where we wake up and wonder how we married our spouse. Our minds might get trapped into remembering and seeing all of our spouse's weaknesses that we cannot remember the things we loved about them when we were first married or dating. You might even be tempted to try and change them into the mold that you have created in your mind of who they should be, or maybe the mold they created for themselves as you were dating. Maybe over the years your spouse has changed or let some things go that you thought were important. No matter what the case may be, one thing is for sure--You Can't Change Your Spouse.  

Just like the quote by President Gordon B. Hinckley says, "Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration." Think about yourself. We all know that during the day we have highs and lows. Not one of us is perfect. What if someone was frustrated with you every time you did something they didn't like? One of my other favorite quotes is by Sam Keen. He says, " "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly."  

Here are some things you can do:

1. Focus on changing yourself. If you spend more time focusing on how to improve yourself, you won't have time focusing on your spouse's weaknesses. Hey, you might inspire your spouse to do the same!
2. Praise your spouse for the positives!  Gottman, a well-known marriage therapist. has come up with the magic ratio 5:1. There needs to be five positives to every one negative.  
3. Make a list of reasons you married your spouse. This will help you remember the positives when you're having a hard time remembering.
4. Serve your spouse!  You love your spouse more by doing service for them. You never know when you're going to hit a rough patch and need your spouse to do the same.
5. Don't assume things. Make sure you have all the facts. Ask questions and listen.  You can also evaluate your expectations... are they too high?
6. Set Healthy Boundaries. Boundaries In Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend is a great resource for married couples. It teaches couples how to have healthy limits and to use boundaries without controlling your spouse.
7. Last but not least, don't give up. Time is on your side. Commitment and loyalty are two keys in a successful marriage.